One Last Drink

-A self portrait narrative-

How many times have we said those assured yet guilt tainted words? How many times have we promised others - even ourselves - that “this time will be the last”, as we succumb to our flesh and indulge?

We often think of this concept as booze or drugs or sex, but if we were to really look inward, I think we’d discover our human nature’s indulgent crave is far deeper than first glance:

The social media doom scroll.

That intoxicating second and third glance at their exquisite charm and beauty and body parts on Instagram.

She, who is not your wife.

He, who is not your husband.

…Despite having a wife; having a husband.

Last night’s dinner purged into the porcelain throne.

Binge watching utter garbage on Netflix.

Running back to an abuser.

Saying “Yes” to things you have no capacity to accomplish.

Going to bed at stupid hours of the night when the alarm is set for 5AM.

Blowing money to soothe an emotion.

One glass of wine that turned into five.

“After this,” we lie to ourselves, “I will stop.”

Just one more intoxicating drink. Just one more click onto her page. Just one more click onto his page. Just one more seductive fling. Just one more chance with the abusive partner. Just one more shift with the abusive employer. Just one more night shitfaced with the life sucking losers. Just one more puff. Just one more irrational transaction and credit card swipe. Just one more purging episode. Just one more rationalization.

And yet? We don’t stop.

“Just one more” is never just one more. We know this full well. If we are doing it, we are still in the cycle. We often search for a more pleasant middle ground; an attempt to escape the unpleasant feeling of withdrawal and our own human nature rising to the surface.

But there is no cozy middle ground. A cycle is either:

A) Repeated B) Broken.

Repeating - even dabbling and testing the waters - feels safe, comfortable, inviting, and maybe even numbing.

But a pleasant feeling does not always equate to a fruitful life. Often times, it gives us absolutely nothing.

Every time we dabble or repeat and assuredly say, “Just one more,” we only but fool ourselves. “Just one more” really should say, “I consent to repeating the cycle.”

It might feel hopeless or daunting; that “one thing” that is the thorn in your flesh.

There is great strength to be found in these moments though. To feel an urge and ravenous desire to fulfill the said urge…but to then say,

“You were wonderful, sabotaging comfort….but I don’t need you anymore,”

…And then walk away, is the lost art of punishing the brain to save the heart.

“Just one more” was yesterday.

But this is today.

And today, “one more” can change to “No more”.

Cheers to breaking the cycle.

Cheers to fighting the good fight.