Film Premieres, Language Exchange Partners & Reckless Ballroom Dreams

What a strange year it’s been. I am learning more and more that conflicting emotions and seasons of being and ideas can also be simultaneous. I can feel peace among chaos, be stressed to the max yet grateful, laugh on the outside while crying on the inside, immensely dislike aspects of people or politics or opinions, yet still deeply love the people and find truths in each side of the spectrum. My prayer life and experience of God has felt surreal too, and especially in my thought life and dreams. There were some situations that left me feeling quite gutted this year, and He has felt distant at many points, yet closer than ever at others. It’s like I’ve known he is there, but he feels far and I have felt at a loss for words. Somedays, all I can muster is, there is nothing left in me. I feel like nothing. I feel depleted. I feel empty. I feel lost.

Yet, I feel found.

So very found.

Between a fall of ballroom dancing and tango-ing, a wedding, music, a new job, a short film premiere, an online language exchange partner turned real life friend (Я люблю тебя, русская сестра!), a medical issue that I saw as a curse and now strangely a blessing…it’s been quite a journey.

I haven’t had a sip of alcohol in six months, stowed away my run shoes the last week, quit drinking caffeine in September, made (and am still making;)) some ballsy moves in my artistic life, and of course, chronically overthinking life, wrestling some “voices” in my head, and the constant ebb and flow of the high and low of life.

When the appropriate time comes, I will write more. It feels strange and almost wrong to write such a short, scattered post. Words are to me like keys are to a frustrated piano player seeking to decompress and make sense of life. I’m learning (and tonight, apparently practicing) that I don’t have to always go at everything so intensely and pour out everything in me. Rest is literally a lifeline; a safe haven and sacred escape from a world that demands us to never be powered off. Perhaps this is why God’s voice can often feel so muddled.

For now, here is but a small glimpse of some happenings the last four months.

My heart is heavy.