She Said to Me, “Soften Up”
“Soften up.”
Those words in Carly Rae Jepsen’s “Surrender My Heart” stick with me lately. I’ve intentionally designated a month break to my usual sports, and specifically, running. My body hurts both mentally and physically. I’ve decided to intuitively move and see if I can make friends with stillness and ease and ease into the squeamishness of the voices in my head that try to convince me that I am a “fat girl in the mirror” and need to shred something. I don’t want anything in life to have power over me. Not boyfriends, not exes, not words, not obsessions, not even my own thoughts…at least the jaded ones. I signed up for a month pass to a yoga studio. Yin yoga, in particular, is my favorite. You hold a static stretch for 3-5 minutes and learn to really breathe into discomfort. It is restorative and gentle, yet deep . Some postures feel delicious and easy and doable. Others ask that you surrender. They ask that you unclench, and it starts mentally. The headspace reminds me of the same one I tap into for long runs and marathons, except in yoga, Yin style asks that you back off and perhaps do less if you’re physically and mentally forcing something your body is not quite ready for. And it’s okay. Yin asks you to, in the words of Carly Rae Jepsen, “Soften up”.
I had an epiphany as I sank into a restful child’s pose last week. I took a breath and felt my clenched shoulders soften. It’s interesting how we often tighten and clench even during something restful. I felt my entire body surrender, which made the posture feel, you know, good. And that’s when it dawned on me.
“I am not soft.”
I am rough around the edges. I am vulnerable and open within my safety net, but closed off and shut down in the very things I need to open up. My heart is calloused and my mind expects the worst. It’s as if I wear boxing gloves and a face shield when I sense someone’s found my weak spot. I brace for discard, for pain, for anxiety, and wear a suit of armor for lovers. Bracing and arming and callousing the hands will indeed protect one’s weak spot.
But, armor cannot be touched and loved and hides the body and soul underneath. Something’s got to give. Something’s got to surrender.
Stripping the armor and showing your soul in its nakedness is to be vulnerable.
And to be vulnerable is to be soft.